The Universe trying to understand itself
Jan. 18th, 2023 10:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
renelfchildSomething I've held onto from Minbar is the idea that "we are the Universe trying to understand itself."
I engage with that belief in a very different way now, of course, as a human being worshiping the Gods of humanity in the modern day. There was less of an expectation in the Minbari religious caste that you'd "worship something," and more of an expectation that you'd study your surroundings, both physical and metaphysical, as well as yourself.
The question of: "Is this all in my head?" would've been met with confusion back then, because the Minbari didn't assume there was a clear delineation between "inside your head" and "outside your head." The idea that the stuff inside your head was somehow less real would have seemed ridiculous and completely backwards.
I've been thinking about this more often lately. It's common for devotional Polytheists to panic over whether their Gods are imaginary or "just thoughtforms" in moments of doubt, and I've absolutely done it too. I've also noticed other people responding to that fear with "Well, it's better to just rip the band-aid off now if they are thoughtforms, and get in touch with The Real Zeus, or whomever."
"The Real Zeus" is a concept I struggle to wrap my head around. It implies that there's a clear delineation between "Zeus" and "Not Zeus," that things outside of the Zeus Zone have absolutely no claim to His identity under any circumstances, and things inside of the Zeus Zone have no identity other than that of Zeus.
I do, in fact, notice a distinct difference between someone outside the Ren Zone bringing new information to me, and something from within the Ren Zone just repeating my anxiety or pre-concieved notions to me verbatim. I have a sense of "the real Apollon," sort of. I don't think Jesus and Apollon are the same person, or that Artemis and Brigid are the same person. Still, there's a certain fuzziness and softness that I can't deny, especially when I try to reach anywhere in the realm of the Late Bronze age or before.
Is Hyakinthos just "the mainland counterpart" of the Minoan Korydallos, or is He Korydallos? What's the difference between being a reflection of someone and being part of them when you don't have a physical body? Is it properly Apollon Karneios, Apollon-Karneios, or Apollon the Dorian God and Karneios the maybe pre-Dorian shepherd God? What about Karneios the Greek mythical seer?
What if new archaeological evidence proves that the Dorians weren't the first ones to introduce Apollon to what's now Sparta? Which parts of my religion would that change? Is Horned Apollon a or the Horned God, and what's the difference? Did He get the horns from Karneios, did He already have them and they just lent themselves to syncretization, or is it more complicated than either of those options?
Part of the reason I clung to hard Polytheism for so long is that I didn't want to do the appropriative white Wiccan thing and say "Every male deity is the same individual as my Horned God, ergo, it's okay for me to worship Papa Legba. It's just a difference in religious beliefs, so it's fine." The problem there is, of course, the act of inappropriately engaging with a practice that was born from one demographic's resistance against the imperialistic violence of yours - not the concept of syncretization in general - but it was hard for me to parse the difference at first, and I wanted to be careful.
There's also the fact that it just seemed... more logical than soft Polytheism, somehow. Apollon is Apollon, Zeus is Zeus, They are absolutely not the same as Their Roman counterparts and I'm just not gonna think too hard about it, because this Makes Sense. It's clean and functional and logical, and surely Apollon wants me to use logic.
I think this was a remnant of the pre-concieved expectations about Apollon that I've tried so hard to deconstruct: that He holds to a very rigid definition of things like Truth and Logic and Purity and expects me to agree with Him about those definitions - because obviously, why wouldn't I trust His judgement?
But that assumption relies on a secondary assumption that I'm always going to be right about His judgement and His opinions - and I don't think that's true of anyone. In fact, it's one of the biggest red flags I can think of: the assertion that one is a perfect carrier of the Gods' messages and intentions.
There's some kind of dark space between me and other people, that is true. There's a distance I have to cross to be with Apollon, and a degree to which I have to accommodate mystery and doubt to understand Him. But then again, I have to accommodate mystery and doubt to understand myself as well.
He might know that I shouldn't do X thing on Y date, but He doesn't always know why or have the ability to communicate the problem to me without causing a different, worse problem. So I'll go do the thing and it'll go badly, and He'll help me pick up the pieces, and that was the best possible outcome in a world where communication is imperfect.
We are the Universe trying to understand itself, with the key word of trying. When we succeed, it's unusual and beautiful.
The other day, I was thinking: I should really work on this writing commission. I'm super burned out, and I feel guilty for playing video games, but that's all I have the energy to do.
Then I had a sudden realization that relaxing and building up energy to work on the project is, in fact, part of working on the project. I'd been worried that Apollon would think poorly of me for being lazy or whatever, but as a matter of fact, He saw the whole of my efforts, not just the part that outwardly looks the most like "working on the project." I felt like I understood Him better, like the light bulb that went off in my head had also illuminated something in His.
If I notice it so clearly when that happens, it must not be standard. If the Universe is trying to understand itself, it must not have finished the work.
It's not over yet, and I'm unconvinced it ever will be.
I engage with that belief in a very different way now, of course, as a human being worshiping the Gods of humanity in the modern day. There was less of an expectation in the Minbari religious caste that you'd "worship something," and more of an expectation that you'd study your surroundings, both physical and metaphysical, as well as yourself.
The question of: "Is this all in my head?" would've been met with confusion back then, because the Minbari didn't assume there was a clear delineation between "inside your head" and "outside your head." The idea that the stuff inside your head was somehow less real would have seemed ridiculous and completely backwards.
I've been thinking about this more often lately. It's common for devotional Polytheists to panic over whether their Gods are imaginary or "just thoughtforms" in moments of doubt, and I've absolutely done it too. I've also noticed other people responding to that fear with "Well, it's better to just rip the band-aid off now if they are thoughtforms, and get in touch with The Real Zeus, or whomever."
"The Real Zeus" is a concept I struggle to wrap my head around. It implies that there's a clear delineation between "Zeus" and "Not Zeus," that things outside of the Zeus Zone have absolutely no claim to His identity under any circumstances, and things inside of the Zeus Zone have no identity other than that of Zeus.
I do, in fact, notice a distinct difference between someone outside the Ren Zone bringing new information to me, and something from within the Ren Zone just repeating my anxiety or pre-concieved notions to me verbatim. I have a sense of "the real Apollon," sort of. I don't think Jesus and Apollon are the same person, or that Artemis and Brigid are the same person. Still, there's a certain fuzziness and softness that I can't deny, especially when I try to reach anywhere in the realm of the Late Bronze age or before.
Is Hyakinthos just "the mainland counterpart" of the Minoan Korydallos, or is He Korydallos? What's the difference between being a reflection of someone and being part of them when you don't have a physical body? Is it properly Apollon Karneios, Apollon-Karneios, or Apollon the Dorian God and Karneios the maybe pre-Dorian shepherd God? What about Karneios the Greek mythical seer?
What if new archaeological evidence proves that the Dorians weren't the first ones to introduce Apollon to what's now Sparta? Which parts of my religion would that change? Is Horned Apollon a or the Horned God, and what's the difference? Did He get the horns from Karneios, did He already have them and they just lent themselves to syncretization, or is it more complicated than either of those options?
Part of the reason I clung to hard Polytheism for so long is that I didn't want to do the appropriative white Wiccan thing and say "Every male deity is the same individual as my Horned God, ergo, it's okay for me to worship Papa Legba. It's just a difference in religious beliefs, so it's fine." The problem there is, of course, the act of inappropriately engaging with a practice that was born from one demographic's resistance against the imperialistic violence of yours - not the concept of syncretization in general - but it was hard for me to parse the difference at first, and I wanted to be careful.
There's also the fact that it just seemed... more logical than soft Polytheism, somehow. Apollon is Apollon, Zeus is Zeus, They are absolutely not the same as Their Roman counterparts and I'm just not gonna think too hard about it, because this Makes Sense. It's clean and functional and logical, and surely Apollon wants me to use logic.
I think this was a remnant of the pre-concieved expectations about Apollon that I've tried so hard to deconstruct: that He holds to a very rigid definition of things like Truth and Logic and Purity and expects me to agree with Him about those definitions - because obviously, why wouldn't I trust His judgement?
But that assumption relies on a secondary assumption that I'm always going to be right about His judgement and His opinions - and I don't think that's true of anyone. In fact, it's one of the biggest red flags I can think of: the assertion that one is a perfect carrier of the Gods' messages and intentions.
There's some kind of dark space between me and other people, that is true. There's a distance I have to cross to be with Apollon, and a degree to which I have to accommodate mystery and doubt to understand Him. But then again, I have to accommodate mystery and doubt to understand myself as well.
It's different, but how is it different?
If I am the Universe trying to understand itself, then so is Apollon. If I am a piece of the Universe with imperfect understanding of itself, then so is He. That goes against the common narrative of the Gods as perfect in comparison to humans, and especially of Apollon as having perfect foresight. But more and more, I've come to believe that while Apollon's foresight is often perfect for the situation at hand, it's not complete.He might know that I shouldn't do X thing on Y date, but He doesn't always know why or have the ability to communicate the problem to me without causing a different, worse problem. So I'll go do the thing and it'll go badly, and He'll help me pick up the pieces, and that was the best possible outcome in a world where communication is imperfect.
We are the Universe trying to understand itself, with the key word of trying. When we succeed, it's unusual and beautiful.
The other day, I was thinking: I should really work on this writing commission. I'm super burned out, and I feel guilty for playing video games, but that's all I have the energy to do.
Then I had a sudden realization that relaxing and building up energy to work on the project is, in fact, part of working on the project. I'd been worried that Apollon would think poorly of me for being lazy or whatever, but as a matter of fact, He saw the whole of my efforts, not just the part that outwardly looks the most like "working on the project." I felt like I understood Him better, like the light bulb that went off in my head had also illuminated something in His.
If I notice it so clearly when that happens, it must not be standard. If the Universe is trying to understand itself, it must not have finished the work.
It's not over yet, and I'm unconvinced it ever will be.
