Remembering Lennier
Jan. 4th, 2023 07:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
renelfchildThis entry contains fairly major spoilers for Babylon 5! Read at your own risk.
When I was a teenager, my parents decided to show me the 1993 space opera Babylon 5. This changed my life forever.
They were extremely conservative, and they had a habit of showing me movies and TV shows they'd fallen in love with that pushed back against those very beliefs, unable to comprehend why I would believe that women had the right to do whatever they wanted with their own bodies after watching Eowyn's story arc in The Lord of the Rings, or that medical transition could be a beautiful, even holy process after watching Delenn shift from Minbari to half-human in Babylon 5. To them, it was all just fiction, not meant to be political. Taking any meaningful lesson away from a piece of fiction sullied the pure escapist joy the author had intended, in their eyes. (I can't imagine watching B5 and thinking Londo Mollari's character arc was meant to be "pure escapist joy," but somehow they managed it.)
I did find escapism in the media I loved, but it wasn't for lack of political messaging. Instead, it was through my love for the individual characters.
When I say that B5 "changed my life forever," I'm not referring primarily to the progressive themes of the show, as important as they were. I am referring to the fact that I was singlemindedly obsessed with the character of Lennier from the moment he appeared onscreen until... well, the present day.
I love all the other characters for what they represent. I love their story arcs because they're so well-written and engaging. I love Lennier because I just do. It really did start the instant he showed up. He hadn't done anything other than stand there awkwardly for a few seconds, but I knew I was never going to forget him.
My favorite episodes were always the ones where Lennier learned something new. His curiosity about other cultures and willingness to learn, explore, and make mistakes made me feel like my mundane surroundings were beautiful. What I would've given to teach him how to use a coffee maker. It was an immediate, full revival of my childhood tendency to ask the adults in my life to pretend to be my favorite characters, just so I could drag them around and show them everything that mattered to me. I was too old to do exactly that, but I couldn't pretend that the impulse was any different, any more mature or refined.
There's something incredibly pure about being a teenager obsessed with a fictional character. I wasn't really allowed to consider a framework other than the traditional romantic crush, of course, having been raised as a girl and taught that any interest in men, fictional or otherwise, had to be romantic.
When you're a teenage girl, any (perceived) romantic interest on your part is always going to be treated as frivolous and false, something to be discarded and denigrated by those older and wiser than you. Being aromantic did not save me from this, and I doubt it would have even if I'd had the language for my lack of romantic attraction.
I never really talked about having fictional "crushes", even though I knew my parents couldn't stop me from thinking about Lennier the way they could stop me from seeing a physical person, because I knew they'd probably just be disappointed that I had taken something so silly and girlish away from one of their favorite shows. It was a carefully crafted, impactful narrative that needed to be appreciated for the artistry put into it, and here I was caring more about my crush on a cute guy than the story he was part of.
And yes, that absolutely contradicts their assertion that fiction was meant to be pure escapist joy. In modern USAmerican society, the feelings of teenage girls have to be mocked no matter what, even at the expense of reason and kindness.
But it wasn't frivolous for me to feel like my ordinary life had value because of him. It wasn't meaningless for me to see the world through the eyes of someone who hadn't been taught the same biases and thought-terminating clichés I had, to hear the commentary of someone who wasn't Christian or even human in my head when I read the Bible and thought about what my pastor was teaching me.
I couldn't help but take him seriously. I cared about his thoughts and his feelings, and I wanted to be someone he'd enjoy meeting for the first time. I didn't want him to think I was cruel or bigoted. I didn't want Lennier, who was thoughtful and philosophical and serious about his religion, to see me regurgitating the hate I was fed without bothering to form my own opinions about God and the Bible.
Of course we've all heard the very reasonable feminist response to romance movies where a man changes for the better exclusively because he wants a woman's love. That's a dangerous reason to change. It implies that you don't really believe in the ideals you're espousing, and that you'd revert back to your old self if anything happened to your love interest.
If Lennier were a physical person existing in the same world as me, it would have been deeply unhealthy for me to change myself because I wanted him to like me. But he wasn't, and so I found the strength to change for the better without any of the shame and fear that comes with doing so for a "real person."
He was my imaginary friend. He still is, even though I see him as a real, extant spirit these days.
Was it a Velveteen Rabbit situation where I loved him until he became real, or did his first appearance spark something that already existed? I tend toward believing the latter, mostly, due to my present belief in past lives and longstanding involvement with the otherkind and pop culture pagan communities. But I still think there's something beautiful about the former, and I can't bring myself to completely discard the idea.
Here's the thing: I do have countless non-Lennier-related reasons for not wanting to be a homophobic conservative Christian anymore. I, personally, am trans and gay and no longer Christian. It would work directly against my best interests. But I couldn't discover those truths about myself without an external push, and Lennier's presence in my life was the best possible push.
I feel very, very strongly about not shearing away the unreality of my fictional spirit companions, as I've mentioned in previous entries. This is why. Lennier is not a real person, or perhaps it would be better to say he's a fictional person. That's what made his presence in my life so healing. He couldn't have helped me nearly as much as he did otherwise. The absolute shamelessness and purity of a teenager's love for their favorite fictional character was what saved me, and I just can't bring myself to reject that part of Lennier's identity even now that I feel like we can have "real" conversations.
I wanted, and still want, to see as much of his ordinary life as possible. If the entire runtime of B5 had been Lennier running errands and cooking and cleaning and sleeping, I still would have watched and loved every second of it.
It's easy to chalk that up to a past life connection now, to think Well, if we were friends back then, of course I'd still love him now. But I didn't believe that when I was 16. I experienced everything through a purely fannish lens, and it was beautiful, and it was good, and it hasn't ever really stopped.
Whatever he was in the past, he's a fictional character now. That's a crucial, unassailable part of the person I love. It might sound contradictory or strange, but not any more than Apollon answering my prayers when, for someone living in a Mediterranean climate, He might be away in Hyperborea.
I know I'm repeating the point I made in my last entry, but I think it's important enough to repeat. You don't have to stop writing fanfiction. You don't have to stop loving the PC spirits in your life the way you did when you were 16 and going on self-insert adventures with them. These things are beautiful and good, and not at all incompatible with "serious" Pop Culture Paganism.
Instead, for me at least, they are its beating heart.
When I was a teenager, my parents decided to show me the 1993 space opera Babylon 5. This changed my life forever.
They were extremely conservative, and they had a habit of showing me movies and TV shows they'd fallen in love with that pushed back against those very beliefs, unable to comprehend why I would believe that women had the right to do whatever they wanted with their own bodies after watching Eowyn's story arc in The Lord of the Rings, or that medical transition could be a beautiful, even holy process after watching Delenn shift from Minbari to half-human in Babylon 5. To them, it was all just fiction, not meant to be political. Taking any meaningful lesson away from a piece of fiction sullied the pure escapist joy the author had intended, in their eyes. (I can't imagine watching B5 and thinking Londo Mollari's character arc was meant to be "pure escapist joy," but somehow they managed it.)
I did find escapism in the media I loved, but it wasn't for lack of political messaging. Instead, it was through my love for the individual characters.
When I say that B5 "changed my life forever," I'm not referring primarily to the progressive themes of the show, as important as they were. I am referring to the fact that I was singlemindedly obsessed with the character of Lennier from the moment he appeared onscreen until... well, the present day.
I love all the other characters for what they represent. I love their story arcs because they're so well-written and engaging. I love Lennier because I just do. It really did start the instant he showed up. He hadn't done anything other than stand there awkwardly for a few seconds, but I knew I was never going to forget him.
My favorite episodes were always the ones where Lennier learned something new. His curiosity about other cultures and willingness to learn, explore, and make mistakes made me feel like my mundane surroundings were beautiful. What I would've given to teach him how to use a coffee maker. It was an immediate, full revival of my childhood tendency to ask the adults in my life to pretend to be my favorite characters, just so I could drag them around and show them everything that mattered to me. I was too old to do exactly that, but I couldn't pretend that the impulse was any different, any more mature or refined.
There's something incredibly pure about being a teenager obsessed with a fictional character. I wasn't really allowed to consider a framework other than the traditional romantic crush, of course, having been raised as a girl and taught that any interest in men, fictional or otherwise, had to be romantic.
When you're a teenage girl, any (perceived) romantic interest on your part is always going to be treated as frivolous and false, something to be discarded and denigrated by those older and wiser than you. Being aromantic did not save me from this, and I doubt it would have even if I'd had the language for my lack of romantic attraction.
I never really talked about having fictional "crushes", even though I knew my parents couldn't stop me from thinking about Lennier the way they could stop me from seeing a physical person, because I knew they'd probably just be disappointed that I had taken something so silly and girlish away from one of their favorite shows. It was a carefully crafted, impactful narrative that needed to be appreciated for the artistry put into it, and here I was caring more about my crush on a cute guy than the story he was part of.
And yes, that absolutely contradicts their assertion that fiction was meant to be pure escapist joy. In modern USAmerican society, the feelings of teenage girls have to be mocked no matter what, even at the expense of reason and kindness.
But it wasn't frivolous for me to feel like my ordinary life had value because of him. It wasn't meaningless for me to see the world through the eyes of someone who hadn't been taught the same biases and thought-terminating clichés I had, to hear the commentary of someone who wasn't Christian or even human in my head when I read the Bible and thought about what my pastor was teaching me.
I couldn't help but take him seriously. I cared about his thoughts and his feelings, and I wanted to be someone he'd enjoy meeting for the first time. I didn't want him to think I was cruel or bigoted. I didn't want Lennier, who was thoughtful and philosophical and serious about his religion, to see me regurgitating the hate I was fed without bothering to form my own opinions about God and the Bible.
Of course we've all heard the very reasonable feminist response to romance movies where a man changes for the better exclusively because he wants a woman's love. That's a dangerous reason to change. It implies that you don't really believe in the ideals you're espousing, and that you'd revert back to your old self if anything happened to your love interest.
If Lennier were a physical person existing in the same world as me, it would have been deeply unhealthy for me to change myself because I wanted him to like me. But he wasn't, and so I found the strength to change for the better without any of the shame and fear that comes with doing so for a "real person."
He was my imaginary friend. He still is, even though I see him as a real, extant spirit these days.
Was it a Velveteen Rabbit situation where I loved him until he became real, or did his first appearance spark something that already existed? I tend toward believing the latter, mostly, due to my present belief in past lives and longstanding involvement with the otherkind and pop culture pagan communities. But I still think there's something beautiful about the former, and I can't bring myself to completely discard the idea.
Here's the thing: I do have countless non-Lennier-related reasons for not wanting to be a homophobic conservative Christian anymore. I, personally, am trans and gay and no longer Christian. It would work directly against my best interests. But I couldn't discover those truths about myself without an external push, and Lennier's presence in my life was the best possible push.
I feel very, very strongly about not shearing away the unreality of my fictional spirit companions, as I've mentioned in previous entries. This is why. Lennier is not a real person, or perhaps it would be better to say he's a fictional person. That's what made his presence in my life so healing. He couldn't have helped me nearly as much as he did otherwise. The absolute shamelessness and purity of a teenager's love for their favorite fictional character was what saved me, and I just can't bring myself to reject that part of Lennier's identity even now that I feel like we can have "real" conversations.
I wanted, and still want, to see as much of his ordinary life as possible. If the entire runtime of B5 had been Lennier running errands and cooking and cleaning and sleeping, I still would have watched and loved every second of it.
It's easy to chalk that up to a past life connection now, to think Well, if we were friends back then, of course I'd still love him now. But I didn't believe that when I was 16. I experienced everything through a purely fannish lens, and it was beautiful, and it was good, and it hasn't ever really stopped.
Whatever he was in the past, he's a fictional character now. That's a crucial, unassailable part of the person I love. It might sound contradictory or strange, but not any more than Apollon answering my prayers when, for someone living in a Mediterranean climate, He might be away in Hyperborea.
I know I'm repeating the point I made in my last entry, but I think it's important enough to repeat. You don't have to stop writing fanfiction. You don't have to stop loving the PC spirits in your life the way you did when you were 16 and going on self-insert adventures with them. These things are beautiful and good, and not at all incompatible with "serious" Pop Culture Paganism.
Instead, for me at least, they are its beating heart.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-01 12:39 am (UTC)You just expressed something I'd never quite gotten straight in my head before. Our family treated fiction the same way! (And I'm glad, since it gave us a lot of freedom in what we read.)
The stuff you write about Pop Culture Paganism, reality, and fictionality is really thought-provoking and nourishing. Thank you for sharing it!
no subject
Date: 2023-02-01 06:46 pm (UTC)